"Big Brother's Roast Beef Sandwich"

"Big Brother’s Roast Beef Sandwich"

      I recently texted my friend in Calcutta(Kolkata), India, -- Muhammad Lowenstein -- about a trip I took here in Southern California, and was interested to know if the NSA(National Security Agency) had recalled any of my texts from storage to investigate me. Of course, we know the NSA collects communication records from hundreds of millions of Americans and stores them in Washington until that huge warehouse in Utah is ready. When they decide to look at a text, for example, they simply request a surveillance order from an FISA(Federal Intelligence Surveillance Act) court judge(telling him or her whatever story is convenient), get her or his Joanna Henry, call it up, grab a roast beef sandwich, and read.

This is what we texted:

MM: Hey, ML, how’s it hanging?

ML: Sure, and just fine. Been busy helping people in the USA fix internet snafus. Snafus, that is a funny word, what does it mean?

MM: It’s an old Marine term that ends with 'FU'. "Situation Normal:  All F---ed Up".

ML: Yes, very good. I am not an old Marine, but I will add that to my vocabulary. What are you been doing?

MM: Hey, I just got back from Morongo Indian tribe casino, where I was bubble boy in a Texas Hold’em poker tournament.

ML: Bubble boy?

MM: Yeah, I was the last person not to make the final table. The final table sat nine players. With ten guys left, I was the Big Blind for 2000 chips, and the guy to my right was the Small blind. He limped in to the bidding by calling me, and I tapped on the option. The board came down with a King and a six and a rag. He went all in and I just couldn’t believe he was serious. Besides, I had a pair of sixes. So I went all in, too. He had another King. That was it for me.

ML: You always have trouble making the final table.

MM: You know it. Woops, got to go. There’s a show on TV about Bradley Manning, Ciao.

      Since my text to ML was international, I decided to contact another friend in Moscow, in the Kremlin(Cha Cha Hidalgova), who knows Edward Snowden personally(isn’t it the quintessence of irony that a guy named ‘Snowed-in’ would wind up in Moscow?  Wait 'til November -- Russian winters 'snowed in' both Napoleon and Hitler) and is responsible for collecting and storing classified communication records in the Kremlin belonging to the NSA. He moonlights as a Stolichnaya Vodka vendor in Red Square. He assured me that, yes, the NSA had read my personal texts and were quite concerned. He sent me a copy of the NSA top secret investigation findings and the requested paperwork that was submitted to the FISA judge.   With Cha Cha, I didn't need a Freedom of Information Act request.

This is what I read:

      Your honor, the National Security Agency hereby requests a surveillance order due to the following suspicious activity:

      1. Overseas individual with a known terrorist name was contacted by a suspicious individual in area code 951 in California. We happened onto this when we were surveiling suspicious calls by authority of a warrant that limited searches to Area Code 815, just outside of Chicago. The agent in charge has fat fingers and it was an honest mistake. He has been directed to take dexterity management classes and attend a two week Rehab to get control of his PBJ compulsion.

      2. Individuals used numerous aliases and code words to describe the likelihood of a major terrorist event, to wit (a) a hanging in Calcutta, India(area code +91-33), at which time the internet would be shut down and (b) the poisoning of the Ganges River.

      3. Probable participants include a group of retired Kashmiri Indian Marines from a place called Morongo, probably not its real name. Maybe Meghalaya state or Maharashtra state in India. CIA thinks they might be Indians from Mongolia.

      4. An agent will be disguised as a bubble on the Ganges River, where certain Texans are being held for ransom. The Texans are both large and small and have been blinded and maimed through torture. The complete plot may include a force of as many as 2000 California Highway Patrol officers, too(CHiPs).

      5. The ultimate financing for this attack may come from two kings, location unknown, possibly in the Mideast, who have invested their entire fortunes in this plot.

      Respectfully request your signature below. Your friendly neighborhood NSA.


      It’s pretty clear that the only ones being kept from classified information is the American people. The good news is, if you want to know what the NSA is doing, I’d give you my Russian Buddy’s number, but you might be better off calling Kremlin, Oklahoma,(Area code 580) or Kremlin, Montana,(Area code 406.) Kremlin, Russia is Area code +7 495. Either way, say hello to the NSA. mm