"What's in a Name?"

What’s in a Name?

      I had an urge recently to riff on Anthony Weiner, the former congressman who resigned after a sexting scandal and is now running for mayor of New York. Then I saw on Yahoo!news that he was taking his eighteen-month-old son out for a walk, and I changed my mind. I’ll leave that to plenty of others even though I know I’m being manipulated by the Democratic party Big Apple spin doctors.

      Instead, I thought I’d reverse course and maybe show a little sympathy for an innocent toddler who’s going to have to live with this scandal, too. I’m going to suggest that part of congressman Weiner’s problem is his unfortunate name. I thought I’d counterattack from the far, far left(out) by investigating the subject of unfortunate names.

      For example, my name is Marcus Mauldin. In college at the University of Denver, my freshman dorm, fellow wise guys nicknamed me “Mucous Membrane“(Snot.) While I hated that moniker, I had to admit(to myself) it was sort of clever. Because congressman Weiner and I have had a similar problem with our names, I looked up the meaning of his names. I found out that “Anthony” means “praiseworthy”(www.she knows.com) and that “Weiner” comes from the Latin “Vinea“, an intimate term of endearment heard before the 5^th century A.D.. It actually means ‘sweet wine‘”(surnamed.com). As in, “Hey there, sweet wine!” His wife, Huma Abedin, might say such a thing to him in a private moment, although probably not lately(I couldn’t resist.)

      But Tony and I are not the only ones with unfortunate names. For example, I looked up the name of the current Pope. He has a real problem with his name: Nobody knows it. Now, even I knew that the new Pope is from Argentina, but I googled “current Pope” and the first twenty sites(including Wikipedia -- Hey, Vatican, appoint some Cardinal to update Wikipedia, please -- and CNN) insisted the current Pope’s name is Joseph Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI. I found out that Benedict XVI resigned as Pope and is now Pope Emeritus. This is Latin for an infection of the emer. Maybe that’s why he quit.

      And what a surname Cardinal Ratzinger has as Pope, all capital letters, “XVI”. Anyone who adopted “XVI” as his Papal surname certainly has a problem, too. If he were a Black Muslim, I could understand ‘Benedict X’, but with a name like Benedict XVI, his last name is nearly unpronounceable, like Rumpelstilts-whatever. They use x’s in Chinese, so maybe "XVI" is pronounced something like “Zhvee“, Benedict Zhvee. Or maybe not. On the other hand, he replaced “Ratzinger” with “Zhvee“, a move up. I’m reminded of the words of Prince John in Robin Hood: Men in Tights, who, upon finding out that the witch named Latrine had originally come from a family named Sheethaus, said “Good change, Good change!”

      But I digress. Finally, I located a source that knew that the current Pope is actually Francis( formerly known as Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, named after one of the Mario Brothers.) His new name was taken from a Francis who lived a long time ago and was a sissy. So our predicament -- Tony’s and mine -- is not so unusual, having names that are a problem for us. We can take heart. Here are some other examples: No one knows if “Al” in Al Qaeda is short for Albert or Alan or Allehu Akbar, but Al always seems like the name of a regular guy. Years ago Texas Governor Jim Hogg had a daughter Ima but not one named Ura(an urban legend.)(Wikipedia)

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is often called “Cris Crispy” by news anchors. Being confused with a donut hasn't stopped him.  Imminent Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter, if you translate his name, comes out Happy Hotdog. Is there any name more lacking in charisma, charm, or pizzazz than “Donald Duck”, a featureless name for a forgettable fowl(Mr. Duck, fortunately, brings to the big screen a great deal of personality.)

      What about Hillary Clinton? If she lived in ancient Rome, she would have been known as Hilarius if she were a boy and Hilaria if a girl. I don’t know which is funnier. What about the President of China, Hu Jintao. If he’s not careful, someone might think he’s a big man in a Buddhist sect(Huge in Tao) or a high roller in a Nevado Lake casino(Huge in Tahoe), or both(I wonder if someone is teaching Zen secrets for Texas Hold 'em in a monastery in Tibet.).  And he certainly suffers from the compulsion many people feel when they hear his name and want to know, “Who’s on first -- at the Chinese Communist Party Talent Show?”

      “Hu’s on first.“

      “What are you asking me for?“

      “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you: Hu is on first!”

      “Look, all I want to know is, what’s the name of the guy on first, at the Chinese Communist Party 'Shanghai Has Talent' Competition?"

      “No, Wat was not invited. He’s a lower ranking official. We’re not talking about him.”

      “So who is on first?“

      “Right.“

      “Who is?“

      “Well, that’s the man’s name.”

      “Who’s name?”

      “Yes.”

      “Look, all I’m asking you is, what’s the name of the guy on first?”

      “No, Wat’s not here.”

      “I’m not asking you, who’s here.”

      “Well, yes, Hu’s here, and he’s on first.”

      “Who is?”

      “Correct.”

       I also read that Mr. Hu was replaced in the Chinese Communist party by a fellow named Xi Whiz, “Whiz” being a nickname. Finally, no youngster on the Texas Gulf Coast where I grew up, would ever want to be caught in a conversation like this:

      “Who is that Russian President fellow your mama’s talking to over there?”

      “He’s Vladimir Putin.“

      “Just pretend you don't notice. Vladimir probably didn’t know the chili would be so spicy.”

      So Mr. Weiner and I are not alone in having been challenged to rise above difficult names. But, as you see, many people equally handicapped as he and I have done great things. I wish him all the luck in the world.
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